NEWS ITEM From the Times Flatulence Register
Trustees rearrange deck chairs on Titanic
-by Terry KrugerDecember 9, 1997 - CHICAGO, IL-- The three remaining trustees of Urantia Foundation, publishers of a controversial new-age bible called "The Urantia Book," revealed today that the Foundation's current president, Patricia Mundelius, and trustee Thomas Burns have tendered their resignations without explanation. The Chicago-based Foundation which controls twenty-four associations worldwide, is directed by five trustees appointed to life time terms.
The short press release stated that trustees "receive no pay," "have families," and can serve from "ten to forty hours per week," but it was not clear if the simultaneous resignations were the result of a lack of monetary compensation or the result of family pressures. There were no statements from either resigning trustee.
The few thousand followers, which have been labeled a new-age cult, continue to simmer under a cloud of suspicion raised by allegations of child molestation, cover-ups, and incompetence at the highest level. Legal depositions recently posted on the internet have implicated millionaire trustee Richard Keeler as a child molester. A Spokesperson for Urantia Foundation said Keeler was falsely accused, and had been "exonerated."
It is believed that Keeler was made a trustee by college chum Martin Meyers in the early '90's, after a disastrous stint with a small group of California Urantia Book readers who claimed that world war three was imminent, causing some readers, like Celestial Seasonings' CEO Mo Seigel, to build a bomb shelter in hopes of surviving a predicted nuclear exchange.
Another fraternity brother, Hoyte Caston, was also brought on board by Meyers and Keeler, but observers noted that such blatant cronyism did not bring peace and harmony to the trustees. Reports of petty and vindictive lawsuits against readers of The Urantia Book who claimed it was their religion began to tarnish the Foundation's image, who weren't seen to be practicing the spiritual values they published. True believers were infuriated when Foundation lawyers claimed in court that the trustees and their staff had written the book, and that it was "not a religious work" at all.
Self-proclaimed evangels of the Urantia Papers charged that the trustees were using the copyright of a Divine revelation as a means of controling their personal dissemination of its teachings. The Foundation's trademarking of the words "Urantia," and "Urantian" are cited as attempts to prevent others from using the words to identify themselves as "Urantian" religionists. ("Urantia" is claimed to be the name of our planet.) Also contested is a symbol of three concentric circles, which true believers say is the "Paradise Trinity Banner of Michael of Nebadon" or something.
Reports began to circulate of an unstable Martin Meyers flying into rages in meetings. Although they were once fraternity pals supposedly committed to the brotherhood of mankind, Meyers was ousted by Keeler and company in acrimonious internal maneuvering. Later it was Meyers' deposition that exposed Keeler's supposed sexual offenses, documented by Keeler himself in a secret 27 page document. Keeler counter-sued Meyers in an attempt to get all extant copies of the report, after two office employees absconded with the report and presented copies to all five trustees and demanded Keeler's resignation. The pair continue to work at the Diversey Parkway offices for Keeler, and refuse to talk with anyone about the alleged events. Meyers has likewise become silent, but sources claim he now lives on a trust fund established for him by Keeler.
The resignations were announced on the heels of rumors of serious financial troubles for the small commercial publisher, which must draw a significant portion of their contributions from a broad tax base. Inside sources say that Keeler's millions pay for up to 90% of the Foundation's annual office expenses of over $300,000. If true, this jeopardizes their status as a non-profit organization. Sales of their smaller vinyl covered version of the one million word text, dubbed the "blue rubbers," have plummeted.
Another major drain of resources are a continuous string of lawsuits against believers. Started with Meyers, the Foundation has pressed one lawsuit after another since the early seventies, keeping its fledgling movement in a state of chaos and confusion. Now it appears that the lawfirms employed by the eccentric but wealthy Keeler, who is known for his habit of interrupting important conversation with obscene jokes, have become the proverbial tail wagging the dog. Recent tax reports are unavailable, but critics claim millions of dollars have been squandered in courtrooms for the past two decades.
A Foundation spokesperson refused to speculate who might replace the two resigning trustees. It is widely rumored that ex-tea magnet Mo Seigel would love to fill a pair of trustee shoes, but the ruinous financial reports could make him run in another direction. Other candidates could include the mysterious email poster "Bonnie K.", whose ability to write quarter megabyte emails that say virtually nothing have earned her a reputation as a paid flak for the Foundation. Long time Foundation critic Norm Du Val is considered a long shot, but as long time Urantia Book reader-believer "Bob" (who asked that his real name not be used) says: "The Lord works in mysterious ways."